Shadow

As I heal, I find my morning walks are taking on a new intensity. I'm pushing myself a bit and I find myself longing to break into a run. It is a physical sensation, one I feel in my stomach and legs, a desire to just take off. But I am still healing and the last thing I want to do is jostle my spine in a way that might slow down my recovery or re-injure  me.

So I stick with walking and fight the urge to run.

That being said, I am enjoying my morning walks and relishing the strength I feel returning to my body.

This morning I came to a long stretch of street with the sun at my back and I watched my shadow striding along in front of me. I like to think of that shadow as the stronger, more confident me and I love the idea of her blazing a trail for me these days.

Perspective

I've been wanting to update things here, for those who aren't following me on Twitter or Facebook and haven't been privy to my barrage of updates about my health issues (read: whining about being in pain).

After an initial diagnosis of a pinched nerve, an x-ray revealed a years old injury to a tendon in my neck. We think this is from a head-on collision during a blizzard while we were living in Ohio. Details: crazy ass fast driver speeds past us in left lane, hits ice patch, spins around then slams into us. Max was three. We walked away from the crash and were so shaken, we just considered ourselves lucky.

Over the years I have had some really minor issues with neck pain or shoulder pain, trouble getting comfortable while driving or sitting but nothing I couldn't chalk up to the vagaries of aging or just getting stuck with an uncomfortable chair.

Turns out the vertebrae in my neck are all out of whack. The muscles on the right side are weak and the muscles on the left side are built up from compensating. My head is just slightly tilted to the left most of the time.

I am now on a first name basis with a chiropractor. I can handle the bone crunching crack of a neck adjustment without flinching even a little bit.

I am also in a lot of pain, most of the time. (The nerve is still pinched.) I'm on a constant rotation of ice packs and am taking a handful of ibuprofen every few hours. The very worst part of all of this is that I cannot sleep. Something about lying down on my bed sends searing pain down the length of my right arm. Nothing helps, I've tried every possible configuration of pillow and no pillow at all. If I do manage to fall asleep for a half an hour, the pain in my arm wakes me up.

It is unpleasant but it is not permanent or life-threatening. It is healing - just very slowly. It is discouraging and I'm trying very hard to stay positive. (My progress has been slow and I'm having an MRI on Monday to rule out a herniated disk.)

My chiropractor talked to me this morning about being in my body as opposed to be in my head and I have to admit, unless I'm running, I spent most of my time in my head. What an opportunity to practice really being in your body, she said. (Her name is Dr. Joy. I am totally serious.)

So, I'm practicing really being in my body, pain and all. I'm breathing and visualizing and praying.

I'm floundering but I am very much right here.