This Is Not a New Year's Resolution

I used to be really good at writing no matter where I was or what was going on around me. I could write while waiting for the pasta water to boil, leaning on the kitchen counter. I could write with the television or radio on in the same room. Somewhere there is a photo of me sitting on the stairs, folded over my journal, scribbling as a long forgotten party swirls around me.

I lost this ability along the way.

As it is with any skill set gone rusty, the only way to get it back is to practice, to accept that for now you are going to be awkward and clumsy but do it anyway.

You can only ever start where you are.

Things You Say Out Loud

Heather invited me to be Derfwad of the Week over at her place and I said yes, because I like and admire Heather and I think very highly of the community she has created in her little corner of the web.

So I am picking out a photo or two and writing this little piece about myself today and I'm struggling with how I present myself. It is difficult to find the right tone when it comes to talking/writing about yourself. I am writing honestly about who I am and what I believe but I am leaving out a few of the less shiny details.

 So, in the spirit of full disclosure, here are the less shiny things I am leaving out:

I am socially anxious. I have a temper. I am a notoriously bad housekeeper. Until very recently, I did not own an iron. My desk is usually a mess. I have a compressed nerve in my neck that I have to treat pretty gingerly. I have forgotten almost all of my college Spanish. I watch Glee. I struggle every day with writing and finding time to write. At present, we are being tormented by a couple of rogue mosquitoes that found their way into the house. I am a little bit in love with my smart phone.


Okay, I feel a bit better now. Carry on.

Valentine's Day

Historically, we have celebrated Valentine's Day in all kinds of ways. When Frank and I were first married and living in a tiny, tiny apartment in Ithaca, we had these long, boozy, romantic dinners with no care for bedtimes or tomorrow mornings. We talked for hours and gazed into each other's eyes and crunched our way home through the snow. We gave gifts of books and music. One year, Frank gave me a beautiful red and black April Cornell dress that I wear to this day.

More recently we've had special dinners and desserts and made each other homemade valentines.

This is a holiday that gets a lot of buzz in elementary school. Max will have a class party this afternoon with enough sugary treats to make even his sensible head spin.

We are really not celebrating the day as a family this year. Frank is teaching. Max has the aforementioned party and then an hour of robotics, a little breather to do homework and decompress, and then his triumphant return to his tae kwon do class after last week's toe injury. By the time we get back home and get dinner on the table it will be late and we will all be tired and hungry.

So, to honor the day, after we share our highs and lows and light the candle and slow down just enough to really see each other across the table, we will each name a handful of things we love about each other.

A small reminder to appreciate the love that is right in front of us.

Because while hearts and flowers are all very nice --

it doesn't really get any better than this.

Happy Valentine's Day, Y'all.

And Now I Am Fifty

I had a birthday last week.  Fifty is one of those milestone birthdays that get a lot of press and I spent a lot of time trying to decide how I wanted to celebrate.

I seriously considered a tattoo. I came up with designs and words that I loved and even got the name of Max’s heavily inked stylist’s tattoo guy but in the end, I decided against it. It wasn’t that I was scared of needles – what I had in mind was so tiny, I’m sure I could handle that. And it wasn’t that I was distressed about the permanence of getting inked. Fifty, I discovered is one giant lesson in impermanence. When I thought about getting a tattoo and was really honest about why I wanted one, I think I wanted to change my physical body – my outsides – in order to reflect a change I’m cultivating on the inside. As the day got closer I realized that what’s happening on the inside is enough for me. I don’t need to etch something onto my body as a sign.

I didn’t want a big celebration either – though I struggled with this too because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do on a milestone birthday? I thought a long time about how I wanted to celebrate and wound up having a really perfect day that balanced time with friends and solitude. There was cake and dinner at the mexican place down the street and it was exactly the kind of celebration I wanted.

But it is fifty.  A milestone to be sure (and if I wasn’t sure, my AARP card came in today’s mail just to drive the point home). So in honor of fifty, I hereby declare this my jubilee year. (In the bible, the old testament, God declares every 50 years a jubilee year wherein debts are forgiven and celebrations abound.) I will celebrate this birthday all year long, choosing at least one special something to celebrate every month.

It is as simple as that.

Some Things I Am Learning

When I get sick, if I slow way down and take care of myself, I get better much faster.

Holding a hand is better than not holding a hand. Holding a hand you haven't held in a long while is even better.

Sometimes the Universe takes care of you.

Saying no and feeling uncomfortable is ultimately better than saying yes and feeling resentful.

I need to see my sisters more often.

The world is full of really kind people.

While very difficult, it is okay to ask for help.

Opening your heart to joy is worth the risk.

TEDxSanAntonio

Last year, I got really excited about TEDxSanAntonio. I read every page of the web site. I googled the organizers. I circled the date on the calendar. I told Frank and Max I wanted to attend. Then I opened the application and suddenly my head was full of every possible gremlin shouting, "Who do you think you are?"

I didn't apply. The deadline slipped past.

On the day of the conference, I watched some of the presenters via the live feed from my studio. I may have cried a little at my lack of courage, for not even applying to attend. I promised myself this year would be different.

This is my ticket to the kickoff gathering for TEDxSanAntonio 2011. One way or another, I'm going to be there!

Lit

I am lighting candles around the house this morning for a friend who had surgery on Tuesday, a friend who is moving, and another friend having surgery today. And while lighting these candles is all about intention, about sending good thoughts to these specific people I am holding in my mind, I can't help but notice that the light extends to me too.

Buddhists believe their meditation practice is done on behalf of all beings everywhere. If you need a little light today, consider these candles lit for you.

8 Things: Honoring Place

We've lived in San Antonio for quite a while now and while I can emphatically state I never expected to come back to live in Texas and I, at times, long deeply for Southern Maine, Ithaca, Oberlin, or Gainesville, I have come to love certain things about this town. Here are a few - in the spirit of Magpie Girl's "8 Things."

1. The Riverwalk. Even the shortest walk along the river can feel like a romance.

2. Cutting through Brackenridge Park on the way to anywhere.

3. The Farmer's Market, even in extreme summer heat.

4. The Missions.

5. Locally owned burger joints.

6. The breeze. There is almost always a breeze blowing through San Antonio.

7. The Missions. I love minor league baseball.

8. Really good enchiladas.

Jamie's 5th Annual Shyne Like a Star Dance Party

I danced with Max, but being nine he has veto power over what does or doesn't appear on the internet. That video will have to be one for the vault.

Max & Frank were playing Mario Kart (that's the sound you hear in the background) so I put on my headphones and danced with myself!

Hangman

Max's cold got better mid-week and then nose-dived rapidly into what was obviously a sinus infection with a high fever on Saturday morning. After the usual hand-wringing – why oh why on the weekend – I decided to take him to our local emergency clinic. I just couldn't bear the thought of him having to suffer until Monday morning when his pediatrician would be back in her office.

So we all three packed up and headed out after lunch. Max brought his DS and I shoved my current sock project into my purse on our way out the door. Once we arrived and signed in and settled ourselves in the very small and crowded waiting room, I pulled out my sock only to find that the needle I needed to actually do the knitting had been left on the table at home.

Max played his DS. I pulled a notebook out of my purse and Frank & I played Hangman. We may have never played Hangman together before – it was hilarious. Eventually Max turned off his DS and played too. Despite the fact that we were stuck in a tiny, rather stuffy and crowded waiting room, we had fun.

We would never have thought to play Hangman at home. There are too many computers and video games and projects clamoring for our attention. But with little else than a pen and paper to entertain us, we got a chance to remember how much fun it is just to play together.

Quote of the Day

I cannot believe that the inscrutable universe turns on an axis of suffering; surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest on pure joy.

Louise Bogan

There's No Place Like Home

We are in the new place, have been for a couple of days. Still surrounded by boxes, but my desk has appeared and I know where the cups are in the cabinet. This morning I instinctively reach for the correct drawer to find a spoon. We're getting there.

On that note, Happy Earth Day. Celebrate your favorite spot on our dear, dear planet today. Pick up some trash. Smell a flower. Sing along with the birds.

Brené Brown and the Thing I Will Not Forget

I went to hear Brené Brown speak last night at our local high school. (Should I tell you about the shivers I got at the thought that The Kid will one day be a really big kid and attending high school?!)

She was speaking about parenting from a researcher/academic point of view but also as a parent, and not from an "expert" point of view but as an in the trenches, trying to get it right, parent.

She was stunningly honest about her own parenting mistakes and incredibly hopeful about her ability and our ability to keep trying to be better parents.

I spent a lot of time nodding because so much of what she said rang so thoroughly true to my experience as a parent. She shed light on so many of my own struggles as a person and as a parent, I fought back a lot of tears.

I have been struggling with and despairing about having to surrender The Kid to the little boy culture at his school. Brené reminded me that I don't have to do that. I don't have to "toughen him up" in order for him to survive the second grade playground wars. He can keep his tender heart and gentle spirit. He just needs the language and tools to serve who he is on the playground. I was reminded that it's not only okay, but essential to let him be disappointed, get hurt, struggle and fail.

I had become so distraught over the minutiae of his school experience that I'd lost all perspective. I think, now, I've got some of it back.

This is what Brené's talk did for me last night – it shone light on some of the dark places in me and in my parenting. Things I've been struggling with but have not been able to adequately articulate. No easy answers, not even one - but now I know where those dark places are.

I told Brené afterwards, it made me want to go home, rush into The Kid's room and say, "Wake up. I want to parent you right now!"

Brené did something else last night. I am, to put it mildly, very uncomfortable and self conscious in the school district parent crowd. (I spent two days worrying over what to wear.) They are mostly very well off, extremely well dressed, fancy car driving, McCain voting folks and I always feel inadequate and frumpy and a little ashamed of our old car and my very worn jeans when I am surrounded by them. (That was really hard for me to say.) I read Brene's blog and have commented a few times, so I emailed her to let her know that I would be there and that I hoped to say hello. So after being amazed and enlightened and brought to tears, I made my way down the aisle to introduce myself feeling very shy and uncomfortable and wrinkled. And when I stood before her, Brené smiled and was happy to meet me. She opened her arms and hugged this rumpled stranger in the midst of the well coifed crowd. She instantly made me feel accepted – like I belonged. It was one of the most compassionate things that's ever happened to me. I don't think I will ever forget it.

My First Giveaway!

Well, it seems I am going to spend NaBloPoMo stealing ideas from Derfwad Manor and the lovely Mrs. G.

Here's the deal. Leave a comment on this post and you'll have a chance to win a lovely hand knit scarf. I'll put all the names in a hat and have The Kid draw one at random to choose the winner. I will then go to the yarn store (you do not have to twist my arm to get me to the yarn store), pick out some lovely yarn just for you and knit you a dandy scarf.

The good news being that I have a lot less readers than the exceedingly popular (and for good reason) Mrs. G., so you have a very good chance of winning. Statistics are on your side! I'll announce the winner over the weekend.

I also want to say this: Isn't it a wonderful day to be an American?! I had no idea how much worry about the election was weighing on me until that weight lifted, just flew away last night like a flock of crows, leaving me feeling light and full of hope for the future. Let's roll up our sleeves and get to work, shall we? We have a country to mend.

Things I am Currently Doing

Having one very prolonged anxiety attacked about the election.

Helping with homework.

Producing very little estrogen.

Roasting a chicken.

Putting together an "outfit".

Trying to coax a hamster to chew on a stick by coating the stick with peanut butter.

Knitting a sock.

Crossing my fingers.

Hoping for the best.

Something Amazing and Full of Hope

Take seven minutes and fourteen seconds to watch this.



Now, I dare you to not feel better about the world.