Friday, November 2, 2007

Decision

Lefty and I drive The Kid to school. It’s about 5 minutes away. We park and walk him to the door. It’s a nice way to start our day all together. Lefty and I drive back home, then he goes to work.

Today, when we got back to the house, our neighbor’s small son – he must be about two – was standing on their porch crying. V’s car was not in the driveway and I know she has an older boy a couple of grades ahead of The Kid at the same school. Her husband is in the army and has not been home for several months. I knew immediately that she had driven her older boy to school and left the younger one sleeping. He’d woken up and being unable to find her in the house had come outside. He was not wandering in the yard. He was just standing on the porch crying.

What would you have done? I walked across the street and sat down on the steps beside him and said, “Your mama has gone to take your brother to school and she will be right back. I’m just going to sit here with you until she gets back.” In a minute or so he was in my lap and I pointed out the cat across the street and a bird in the tree and wiped a tear or two away. I kept repeating what I thought he needed to her: Your mama will be right back. Your mama will be right back.

And she came right back and was obviously shaken as she saw us sitting on the steps. She grabbed him and hugged him and said I’m sorry to both of us about ten times. I said, I understand. It’s hard to wake a sleeping baby.

My sister was a single parent when her oldest boy was young and I honestly don’t know how she did it. I cannot imagine how difficult it is. When Lefty goes out of town for three days, I fall apart, thinking – where is my help? Where is my backup? I can’t imagine raising The Kid all alone.

I walked back across the street and I could still smell that yeasty diaper smell from holding her boy. It reminded me of when the Kid was that small and needed me that much. It brought tears to my eyes. I checked back in with Lefty and wrote our phone number on a card and walked it back across the street. V was sitting with her boy, still holding him, still looking shell-shocked. I gave her our number and said, “If you get in a bind, call us. We’d be happy to give your son a lift to school. I know how hard it must be to be doing this by yourself and I understand.”

I came back home, and no, I will not call Child Protective Services. Let me say right up front, hers is not a decision I would have made. But I understand the calculated risk she took – hoping her baby would just sleep the 10 minutes it took her to run to the school and back. I would not have done that, not when the Kid was two, not now.

If I thought V’s children were being neglected or abused I would not hesitate, not for a moment. But they’re not. I see her everyday with her children and she’s a good, busy mom, who’s trying to sell her house in a limp housing market while her husband is away. I will not judge her. I will offer to help.

29 comments:

  1. I love this post. I wish more women would walk across the street like you did and offer a hand, rather than jump on their soapbox and go on and on about what a lousy, irresponsible, blah blah blah...you know what I mean. We all need a little grace.

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  2. I would've done the same as you. Good for you for being a kind and understanding neighbor.

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  3. I'm not a big Hilary fan, but I think this falls under the heading of "it takes a village." I wish everyone would give the help that they would like to receive. I think your offer to drive her son from time to time was perfect!

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  4. Yes, help is a better choice. Good for you and good for her - she's doing the best she can. My mother used to leave us sleeping to take my father to work. She hated doing it and even now, all these years later, she worries about whether she did the right thing. It's not always crystal clear when you're actually in the trenches.

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  5. I completely agree with Mrs. G - this is something anyone can learn from. How often do people need help and can't find it without judgment?

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  6. I agree completely. Kudos to you for stepping up and doing the right thing. I can't imagine being a single parent and having to make difficult decisions like that day in and day out. People are so quick to judge these days and so slow to help.

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  7. I'd just like to say thank you. I've been a single parent for 15 years and I have been caught in a bind like that more than once. On behalf of that mom, I appreciate your understanding and I wish I had neighbors like you.

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  8. We all need a little grace, indeed. I would have done the exact same thing. That child didn't need DFS, he needed a sweet person telling him "mama will be right back." Well done.

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  9. I clicked over from Mom's Daily Dose.

    You've touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. A beautiful post about a beautiful gesture of kindness.

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  10. Haven't we all, if we are honest, given it just a passing thought, a split second of consideration -- that it would be easier, so much easier to just run that quick errand, alone. We all need grace. We all need help. Wish you lived in my neighborhood. Excellent post.

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  11. I am also here through Mom's Daily Dose. And I think you were absolutely right. I think people who are eager to call CFS have a naive confidence that they can make things better. It sounds like the kid has a good mom who just needed a little help, and you gave it.

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  12. Very sweet. I just knew you were going to go sit on a step and wait for her. She was doing the best she could that morning. She just needed a little help.

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  13. I also linked over from the Daily Dose. We definitely need more people like you around. Reaching out like that is going to be much more of a help to that kid and his mother than reporting her or judging her would have done.

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  14. With a generous neighbour like yourself, now she won't have to make a decision that she probably was never comfortable with in the first place. Good on you.

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  15. You did the right thing. Everyone should be looking out for each other this way. :)

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  16. Also here from The Dose. Wonderful story and beautiful demonstration of grace. Your writing is absolutely beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye, and a familiar smell (the yeasty diaper) to my nose. We all need a little help sometimes. Help without judgement. You are a wonderful neighbor!

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  17. your post brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for being a caring person....I wish you lived near me!

    lisa
    www.workoutmommy.com

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  18. I work in Child Protective Services, although not in your state. Because you have observed this woman as a parent and you have a confidence that she is not a bad mother and not neglecful or abusive--I whoelheartedly agree--that the call didn't need to be made. And if she's the type of mother she appears to be, she'll never do that again, which is the best lesson. I'm thankful for the little boy's sake that you arrived when you did.

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  19. As a single mom of two kids, I commend you on offering help. You would not believe how few people ever do. We get judged as single parents for everything our kids do wrong, but nobody steps in to make an offer to help. You're a gracious neighbor.

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  20. Good for you. With one act of kindness, you helped her in a sticky spot and let her know that there is more help available when she needs it.

    That will do more for her and her kids than reporting the incident could ever achieve, I think.

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  21. Thank God for good neighbors like you AND for your not being all judgmental and sanctimonious (I'm getting a dose of that right now on my own blog).

    Parenting isn't easy but most of us are doing the best we know how. A helping hand from an understanding bystander is sometimes all a situation requires.

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  22. God this is so scary. I'm with you on your decision but I keep going back to the fact that she left a 2 year old home alone. I sometimes feel guilty if I leave my kids inside while I run out to the mailbox! I hope that seeing her child like that scared her enough that the next time she either wakes that child up or picks up the phone to call across the street to you for help. Because what happens if she chooses to risk this again, in a new neighborhood, with neighbors who might not be so kind or understanding? It's all just far too scary to contemplate...

    Kudos for you on what must have been a tough decision in a heart wrenching situation.

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  23. You are the kind of person I want to live next to. And you are being the kind of person I want to be. I agree with Mrs. G, everyone needs a little grace.

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  24. Beautiful. Discerning. From the bottom of my heart, on behalf of moms who make questionable decisions with the best of intentions all the time. Thanks.

    (And I'm sure she did get her wake up call.)

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  25. Also here from the Dose. God bless you--V obviously has plenty on her plate, without getting judged for a decision that I'm sure was not an easy one to make. (like you, it's not the one I would have made, but I also have a husband at home, and only one child, so I am not in her shoes!)

    I sincerely hope that, once they move, she has equally helpful and understanding neighbors to fill in when she really needs the help.

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  26. About two years ago, when my kiddo was 5, I emerged from the shower to hear my neighbor's voice coming from the living room.

    I had plopped kiddo in front of a movie so I could take a shower. She forgot where I was (I was in the bathroom for 15 minutes TOPS) and walked next door to have my neighbor help her look for me.

    Needless to say, I was mortified. My neighbor thought it was hilarious.

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  27. Thank you so much for this sweet story of grace, compassion, understanding and not casting judment.

    (I've added it to StumbleUpon for many, many others to read and enjoy.)

    Blessings!
    RH

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  28. Thanks for your kind and for the StumbleUpon nod.

    Enjoy your day!

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  29. Here from Amalah's daily dose - so kind of you to help your neighbor. This story totally made my day.

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