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For the first time since I started blogging, I didn’t even attempt NaBloPoMo this year. I knew that with things being so hit or miss over here I would just be setting myself up to fail. I also knew that the circumstances that are keeping me from posting here were not going to miraculously disappear for a month. So I keep wanting to write here, longing for it actually. I want to write here but I don’t really know how to talk about where I am right now.

And then, Karen, who has been doing her own back and forth dance on her blog, decided to blog every day for the month of December, and I’ve decided to keep her company – starting today.

Something has been happening with me over the last few months. I am hanging out with some new, wise women online. I’ve been looking at my life with new eyes. I’m meditating and journaling a lot. I am working hard to be present when it matters most.

Winter is beginning here and it always engenders a kind of panic in me. Maybe it is the onslaught of the holidays, maybe it is leftover from my lean grad school days in Maine when I worried so much about being cold. Whatever it is, it has gripped me with new force this year, thus the meditating and journaling.

I was stunned to realize this week that for all my lip service to authenticity and vulnerability, I find being vulnerable almost unbearably painful. I am tearful. I cry easily these days. But of this I am certain: something inside me is softening, cracking open, making way for something new. It is very uncomfortable but it is filling me with hope.

Personal transformation and change are hard to describe. It all sounds very woo woo and I don’t feel like I have the right vocabulary or the authority (if I’m being honest) to talk about it.

As the darkest days of the year approach, as I stumble through advent and headlong into the holidays, I’m going to try and write honestly about these things here.