This is a post from my blog at the Mondo Beyondo community. One of the things I've realized over there is how rarely I unveil my authentic, creative self in public, and what a scary idea that is for me. I have been thinking of ways to be more truly myself as I interact with the world (have my outside match my inside).
This refers to "my list" which is my list of Mondo Beyondo (read: really big) dreams for myself, one of which is to "wear my hair loose and messy" when my default is always and forever to pull it back in a ponytail.
I attended a party with my husband last night. He teaches at a small university and several times a year the department gets together. To tell the truth, I usually find these things excruciating.
Last night, I changed clothes (choosing something that felt good to me, not worrying too much - like I usually do - about how it "looks") and pulled my hair back and as we were walking out the door, I flashed on my list and took my hair down. Guess what? The world did not stop turning because my hair was not pulled back neatly.
At the party, I tried my best to get my outsides and insides to match. I spoke enthusiastically when asked about the writing I've been doing and this course. One of the faculty spouses (an Artist with a capital A, big museum installations guy) who I've always thought of as sort of aloof, sat down across from me and we started talking about art and then we talked about running. When it started to rain we continued to sit out on the deck and had a really intriguing conversation - in the rain!
I had a great time. I felt like I let myself be seen and it felt scary, but it also felt fantastic!
I'm learning a lot in this course. I think the thing I learned this week is that all the answers I need are right here, I just have to look for them.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
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That sounds amazing and inspiring! And courageous! (Especially where you talk to the guy you thought was intimidating.) I'm so happy for you. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Laura. It was like stepping out of my little puddle of neurosis for a couple of hours. I felt like a renegade just sitting there in the rain!
ReplyDeleteI think you are finding that magic thing that we used to have and lost. I'm so proud of you. You just being you is perfect!!
ReplyDeleteThat's kind of what this feels like, like swaggering in the Penny Post halfway through the first set.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit something...I'm jealous of Mondo Beyondo. I've been out of the loop for a while, and when I got back and heard about it, it was already filled. But I'm digging deep, figuring out what I would have wanted from it, if I'd been able to join, and trying to do it on my own. I am also going to be here, enthusiastically cheering you on--way to go, Laura!!!!! What a wonderful moment for you--facing fears and having a fabulous time!!!! Wow!!!
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