One of Three

And Now I Am Fifty

2012-01-30T17:25:00.001-06:00

I had a birthday last week. Fifty is one of those milestone birthdays that get a lot of press and I spent a lot of time trying to decide how I wanted to celebrate.

I seriously considered a tattoo. I came up with designs and words that I loved and even got the name of Max’s heavily inked stylist’s tattoo guy but in the end, I decided against it. It wasn’t that I was scared of needles – what I had in mind was so tiny, I’m sure I could handle that. And it wasn’t that I was distressed about the permanence of getting inked. Fifty, I discovered is one giant lesson in impermanence. When I thought about getting a tattoo and was really honest about why I wanted one, I think I wanted to change my physical body – my outsides – in order to reflect a change I’m cultivating on the inside. As the day got closer I realized that what’s happening on the inside is enough for me. I don’t need to etch something onto my body as a sign.

I didn’t want a big celebration either – though I struggled with this too because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do on a milestone birthday? I thought a long time about how I wanted to celebrate and wound up having a really perfect day that balanced time with friends and solitude. There was cake and dinner at the mexican place down the street and it was exactly the kind of celebration I wanted.

But it is fifty. A milestone to be sure (and if I wasn’t sure, my AARP card came in today’s mail just to drive the point home). So in honor of fifty, I hereby declare this my jubilee year. (In the bible, the old testament, God declares every 50 years a jubilee year wherein debts are forgiven and celebrations abound.) I will celebrate this birthday all year long, choosing at least one special something to celebrate every month.

It is as simple as that.

We Have Bad Days

2012-01-16T15:23:00.000-06:00

Sometimes we have a bad day. Sometimes we have a morning where the wheels fly flaming off the little vehicle of our family before breakfast is on the table. Sometimes we have a day that make me want to weep or yell or slam the bathroom door or stomp out of the house and hit the ground running, not turning around until I am far away and exhausted.

In the past, I might have responded to conflict with any one (or perhaps all) of these. I am a woman with a temper. My childhood was spent in a dangerous home – a place where conflict meant violence. To this day I am quick to disengage and protect myself. It is as ingrained in me as my fingerprints. It is not, however, an appropriate response to a small pre-breakfast disagreement in our gentle and kind family trio.

The details are not important. We had a rough morning. There were tears and then that awful hung-over feeling you sometimes get from crying. On Facebook I confessed that we were trying for an emotional reboot and after a while, we got rebooted.

Here are some things that helped: sandwiches, deep belly-breathing, laughing at myself, praying the ever-eloquent “helphelphelp” prayer, folding laundry, drinking a very large glass of water, Katie reminding me to stop struggling against the quicksand and hold still. All of these things forced me to stop – to be present.

And then things got better.

Things settled down.

The sun comes out, or sets or rises.

We shake it off.

We move forward.

P.S. My computer says that helphelphelp is not in the dictionary. I think it should be.

Dreaming the January Full Moon

2012-01-09T16:05:00.001-06:00

Start Where You Are

2012-01-02T16:07:00.001-06:00

The holidays were particularly good to us. We had a meaningful and happy Christmas followed by the celebration of Max’s eleventh birthday. We had fun on New Year’s Eve. (Max got to stay up till 11 and beat us at Uno!) Yesterday afternoon we cleaned and cleared and took down the tree and this morning Max went off to school and Frank drove off to work and it was just me and the laundry and the birds in the backyard.

This was, without question, the sanest holiday break I have ever had. (And when I’ve said that to people some of them have looked at me like I’m crazy.)

What I mean by that is that I didn’t do a lot of last minute guilt-induced Christmas shopping for anyone. I didn’t feel that urgent need to make everything special and perfect. The holidays just were… and they were lovely.

I think 2012 is going to be a very good year.

Word Cloud for the Long Poem

2011-11-28T10:45:00.003-06:00

Conspire

2011-11-26T08:29:00.000-06:00

Gratitude: Day Eleven

2011-11-16T15:23:00.001-06:00

It rained yesterday morning and things have been so terribly dry here in San Antonio I was grateful for it, though it complicated some things and made some things I planned on doing downright impossible. At one point in the late morning I accepted defeat, surrendered to the rain and the waterlogged streets and recalibrated the rest of my to do’s accordingly.

The first year we lived in San Antonio I was caught in a flash flood. There was water up to the bottom of the car door. I flooded out in the middle of a busy intersection and it scared me almost to death. Since then, I’ve learned about the low water crossings between here and most places I need to go. I know which streets to avoid and to always drive in the left lane on Broadway when it is raining hard. I am cautious in a heavy rain and stay put if I possibly can.

So, even though I did not get to the places I wanted to go yesterday, I was grateful for the rain on our dry, dry land. I think the birds were grateful too.

Gratitude: Day Ten

2011-11-13T19:41:00.000-06:00

I am grateful for a twilight glass of wine on the porch with Frank.

Gratitude: Day Nine

2011-11-12T16:56:00.000-06:00

I am grateful for this guy today. He's been my trusty companion all day and has made everything fun.

Gratitude: Day Eight

2011-11-11T15:20:00.001-06:00

Today I am grateful for this bowl of African Peanut Soup which was exactly what I needed for lunch.

Gratitude: Day Seven

2011-11-09T12:54:00.001-06:00

I am grateful for the Tae Kwon Do school where we have found a wonderful sense of community even though between belt tests last night and the awards ceremony tonight, I feel like they’ve hijacked my life (or at least my dinner hour) a little bit.

Gratitude: Day Six

2011-11-07T20:03:00.000-06:00

I am very grateful that Frank loves math and can make long division sound so easy.

Gratitude: Day Five

2011-11-06T17:51:00.000-06:00

I am grateful, today, for cooperation.

We have a tangle of a week ahead of us with not one but two Tae Kwon Do belt tests, an awards ceremony, the book fair at Max's school, a large project that has to be finished up and Frank is leaving town for a few days. This afternoon we sat down for a family meeting and just walked through the week and everyone's expectations.

Not that we won't hit a snag or two, I know we will, but when we inevitably do, we will all at least be on the same page.

Gratitude: Day Four

2011-11-05T16:11:00.001-05:00

I was a reluctant convert to iTunes but I have slowly come around to loving it. Putting together a playlist for dinner tonight, I am grateful for how quick and easy it is.

However, that doesn’t stop me from yearning for the romantic low tech days of making a mix tape.

Gratitude: Day Three

2011-11-04T16:37:00.001-05:00

My friend Gena accidentally pocket-dialed me today and then called back to say “Oops, I must have pocket-dialed you” and we had such a nice chat. We traded the wheres and hows of our boys and husbands. We talked about teaching and writing and taking small steps. It was a small interlude in my afternoon that made the rest of my day better.

I’m grateful for that.

Gratitude: Day Two

2011-11-03T16:06:00.000-05:00

Usually in San Antonio, getting into your car after it has been parked for an hour in the sun is an ordeal. It is much like climbing into an oven. Everything is too hot to comfortably touch. There may or may not be swearing involved. It is one of my least favorite things about living here.

This morning was cool and breezy. When I left The Foundry and walked down the block to my car, I was shivering in the gusty wind. I buttoned up my sweater as I fumbled for my keys. What a surprise to discover the inside of my car was toasty and warm from sitting for an hour or so in the morning sun. I was grateful for that.

Gratitude: Day One

2011-11-02T08:49:00.003-05:00

I am practicing gratitude for the month of November.
I’m grateful for a lot of little things this morning. Hot coffee. Effective cold medicine. Cooler weather. The Invention of Hugo Cabret which I finished last night and Max finished this morning. But the thing I am most grateful for today is this lumpy, well-worn loveseat.

When I injured my neck this summer one of the worst consequences was that I could not sit anywhere in the house comfortably. I could sit in a kitchen chair or my desk chair for a little while but soft things like this loveseat or the couch caused excruciating pain. After a while I was able to sit in my wooden rocker and that has been my default seat for months as my pinched nerve slowly released itself and started to heal.
The past two evenings I have been able to sit comfortably in this lumpy old loveseat and for that, I am truly grateful.

Dreaming the October Full Moon

2011-10-12T12:38:00.000-05:00

The Wait Is Almost Over

2011-10-05T16:18:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow afternoon we return to the pediatric orthopedic surgeon's office. Max will be examined and have x-rays. Then we will wait as patiently as we can in the tiny exam room for the orthopedist to come in and tell us what he sees.

We are optimistic because of the report from his pediatrician last week. We also are walking into the appointment with a game plan. Thank you for sharing your own stories and solutions with me. They helped me envision some alternatives that we are all comfortable with.

Thanks to every one of you who traveled this bumpy patch of road with us. Thank you for your prayers and good thoughts. No matter what tomorrow's news, we are in a much better place because of your kindness and support. When times get tough, you are my village and I am eternally grateful to you all.

Perhaps Some Good News

2011-09-28T11:12:00.001-05:00

Max had his well child checkup yesterday. You may remember, it was his pediatrician who first noticed the slight curve in his spine and referred us to the orthopedic surgeon. When she first noticed it two years ago, she measured it at 9%.

The orthopedic guy measured it at 15% at our last visit and we started to worry a little and pray a lot. Here's the whole story, if you need to catch up.

Yesterday, she measured it at 4-6% which is awesome, which is completely within the normal range for a school-age boy!

Now there's still the orthopedist to see next week and xrays to be evaluated, but I am taking this as a sign that he's outgrowing the curve and that all it will take is stretching and exercise to make his spine grow straight and true.

We won't really know anything until next week but I will take this opportunity to celebrate perhaps some good news and say thank you to everyone who said a prayer or lit a candle or held us in the light or lifted us up or send good thoughts our way. Really, truly, you made all the difference in the world.

Max & Martial Arts

2011-09-23T08:26:00.001-05:00

Max sparred yesterday for the first time in his new Taekwondo class. For those who've been around a long time (yeah, I'm looking at you Original Laura and Debbie K and Mrs. G) you may remember the unpleasantness of Max's first karate school and the changes in instruction and focus on aggressive sparring that caused us to drop martial arts like a hot potato.

This school could not be more different. (It's in the basement of a church, ya'll!) The atmosphere is collegial and supportive.

Max did a great job especially considering it was the first time he had sparred in over three years.

As he moved through opponents and got to the higher ranked kids, I spent a good deal of the class with my hands over my eyes. Afterwards, I explained that sometimes when I was watching I saw him in all his ten year old ferocious glory. And sometimes I would look up and see this guy.

My To Do Lists

2011-09-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

Before

After

Shadow

2011-09-20T16:14:00.000-05:00

As I heal, I find my morning walks are taking on a new intensity. I'm pushing myself a bit and I find myself longing to break into a run. It is a physical sensation, one I feel in my stomach and legs, a desire to just take off. But I am still healing and the last thing I want to do is jostle my spine in a way that might slow down my recovery or re-injure me.

So I stick with walking and fight the urge to run.

That being said, I am enjoying my morning walks and relishing the strength I feel returning to my body.

This morning I came to a long stretch of street with the sun at my back and I watched my shadow striding along in front of me. I like to think of that shadow as the stronger, more confident me and I love the idea of her blazing a trail for me these days.

Keep It Simple

2011-09-19T17:28:00.000-05:00

I read Rachelle's post about keeping it simple and her tendency to complicate things this morning. I do this all the time. It is what's been keeping me away from this space. I keep waiting to have the perfect photo or the great story to tell and that has me waiting and waiting and waiting and my voice begins to feel smaller and smaller and smaller. So instead of waiting for perfect and complicating the act to the point of silencing myself, I'm just going to jump in right here, right now. Keep it simple.

We had rain over the weekend, good drenching rainshowers and what was crunchy and sad is now a little greener, a little more supple. I'm thinking about planting some herbs for the Fall. I'm thinking thyme, rosemary, basil and flat-leaf parsley, lots and lots of flat-leaf parsley.

Max is marching with the entire 5th grade in the Howdy Night homecoming parade.

Frank has another staph infection. We keep moving forward, trying new things.

I am working on the long poem that was going to be my retreat project before the pinched nerve interfered. It has been difficult to let go of that vision of working on it in long stretches of time, but I am making progress in smaller doses.

September continues and the things that were once new become less so.

Sometimes the best you can do is show up and let yourself be seen.

Random Good Things

2011-09-02T16:26:00.001-05:00

Listen, go get a massage right now. I don't know why I balked at massages for so long but I was crazy. Massage = Bliss.

It has been brutally hot here but as I keep telling people, the season is about to start turning. It is a subtle process here in South Texas and if you don't pay attention, you might miss it. I suggest keeping an eye on the quality of light in the early morning and at dusk. We will see the change there long before the temperatures start to drop.

Max really likes his teacher and the mix of kids in his class.

We found a Tae Kwon Do school where Frank and Max can train together and we love it so far.( It reminds me so much of the Cuong Nhu school where Frank trained in Gainesville.) It has a loose sort of co-op vibe that we really like.

I am getting better. I am seeing tiny steps of progress everyday. This slow return has given me a lot of little moments to celebrate. I can knit and write longhand again for short periods of time and this has done wonders for my happiness level.

The new Feynman biography is here! The new Feynman biography is here!

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-08-24T16:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I made the appointment for Max to return to the pediatric orthopedic surgeon and have his spine x-rayed. In one month and a couple of days our wait and watch four month period will be up and we will see what at least an inch and a half of growth has done to the 15% curve in Max's spine.

Your prayers and good thoughts and candles and light mean the world to all three of us. Keep it coming!

August Full Moon Dreamboards

2011-08-21T06:28:00.000-05:00

Max and I made dreamboards on the full moon.

This one is mine.

And here is Max's.

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-08-17T15:55:00.000-05:00

Frank & Max are on their way back from Austin this afternoon after a day-long playdate with Max's very best friend. We are about a month away from our appointment with the orthopedic surgeon to see how the curve in Max's spine has fared in the last four months. I think he's at least an inch taller.

Send up a good thought, light a candle, say a prayer.

Painfully and with My Left Hand

2011-08-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

It seems everyone I know is doing some wonderful, creative thing and I am just stuck here, trying to heal and the only way to do that is to do very little. I am an impatient patient.

The worst part, the absolute worst part of this whole injury has been that I cannot write. I cannot write longhand. Anything more than a word or two sends searing pain up my right arm. I also cannot type with my right hand and typing with my left is painful and slow.

I can't even knit.

Speaking with a friend yesterday I said:

I feel like someone has put duct tape over my mouth... or my brain...

But what it really feels like is that someone has put duct tape over me, what makes me me.

I feel broken.

I know I am getting better. I'm healing, however slowly. I'm trying to be a good patient and listen to my body and learn whatever lesson is tucked away in this particular episode of pain.

I'm trying to be still, when what I want most is to move, to go, to run.

Perspective

2011-08-05T15:41:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to update things here, for those who aren't following me on Twitter or Facebook and haven't been privy to my barrage of updates about my health issues (read: whining about being in pain).

After an initial diagnosis of a pinched nerve, an x-ray revealed a years old injury to a tendon in my neck. We think this is from a head-on collision during a blizzard while we were living in Ohio. Details: crazy ass fast driver speeds past us in left lane, hits ice patch, spins around then slams into us. Max was three. We walked away from the crash and were so shaken, we just considered ourselves lucky.

Over the years I have had some really minor issues with neck pain or shoulder pain, trouble getting comfortable while driving or sitting but nothing I couldn't chalk up to the vagaries of aging or just getting stuck with an uncomfortable chair.

Turns out the vertebrae in my neck are all out of whack. The muscles on the right side are weak and the muscles on the left side are built up from compensating. My head is just slightly tilted to the left most of the time.

I am now on a first name basis with a chiropractor. I can handle the bone crunching crack of a neck adjustment without flinching even a little bit.

I am also in a lot of pain, most of the time. (The nerve is still pinched.) I'm on a constant rotation of ice packs and am taking a handful of ibuprofen every few hours. The very worst part of all of this is that I cannot sleep. Something about lying down on my bed sends searing pain down the length of my right arm. Nothing helps, I've tried every possible configuration of pillow and no pillow at all. If I do manage to fall asleep for a half an hour, the pain in my arm wakes me up.

It is unpleasant but it is not permanent or life-threatening. It is healing - just very slowly. It is discouraging and I'm trying very hard to stay positive. (My progress has been slow and I'm having an MRI on Monday to rule out a herniated disk.)

My chiropractor talked to me this morning about being in my body as opposed to be in my head and I have to admit, unless I'm running, I spent most of my time in my head. What an opportunity to practice really being in your body, she said. (Her name is Dr. Joy. I am totally serious.)

So, I'm practicing really being in my body, pain and all. I'm breathing and visualizing and praying.

I'm floundering but I am very much right here.

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-07-27T17:24:00.000-05:00

Prayers, candles, good thoughts... Whatever you got today, we'll take it.

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-07-20T21:33:00.000-05:00

Say a prayer. Light a candle.

Dispatch from Summer

2011-07-18T16:01:00.000-05:00

We are having a summer that is a little different this year. Max and I are both doing more than usual, so we have fewer of those long event-less days to string together. We're spending more time in the car and we are both actively trying to step a little bit outside our comfort zones.

Walking him into Summer Writer's Camp this morning I thought - less than two weeks until vacation,( after which we are adopting our very first dog) then my retreat and then we board the rollercoaster downslide to the beginning of the school year. When we signed up for writer's camp, July 18 seemed so far away and yet, here we are.

I haven't had enough time just the two of us this summer. Not enough long lazy mornings bumping into each other as we wander from computer to bookshelves to kitchen table, not nearly enough picnic parties on the living room floor watching bad cartoons, not enough bargaining about how much is too much Lego Universe, not enough people watching, not nearly enough afternoon art projects.

I know we still have time to do a lot of these things and I know we will. I just wish summer would slow down a little bit.

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-07-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

We are having the busiest week of our summer so far and I have some bananas that are about to go nuclear on me if I don't get them into some bread.

Still, in the midst of our summer fun, I want to take a moment and ask you for prayers, for whatever good thoughts you can spare for Max.

May his spine grow straight and true.

Sometimes I Stumble Across Things

2011-07-09T07:17:00.001-05:00

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-07-06T18:06:00.001-05:00

Send up a prayer...

Some Things I Am Learning

2011-06-30T20:46:00.003-05:00

When I get sick, if I slow way down and take care of myself, I get better much faster.

Holding a hand is better than not holding a hand. Holding a hand you haven't held in a long while is even better.

Sometimes the Universe takes care of you.

Saying no and feeling uncomfortable is ultimately better than saying yes and feeling resentful.

I need to see my sisters more often.

The world is full of really kind people.

While very difficult, it is okay to ask for help.

Opening your heart to joy is worth the risk.

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-06-29T16:13:00.000-05:00

I want to thank each and every one of you for your good thoughts, your prayers, your concern. Thank you for every candle you've lit, every visualization you've sent our way. Thanks for sharing your own stories and for pointing me toward Yoga for Scoliosis. Ever day I am more and more certain that we are on the right path.

Send up whatever good you can spare today for Max and his spine - may it grow straight and true.

Sisters

2011-06-28T19:45:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to process my feelings about travelling to Fort Worth this weekend for my niece's wedding. It was the first time my mom and both my sisters and I have been together in about seventeen years.

The wedding was picture perfect. Ashley was stunning, her husband, Joey was handsome and glowing with happiness. The chapel was probably the most beautiful I've seen in a long time. My sister was so proud of her beautiful daughter and new son-in-law. (The word new is not quite right here because I think we could all agree that Joey has been a part of their family for quite a while now. Now it's just official and the rest of us get to call him family too.)

The ceremony was moving. The reception was fun. Max cavorted with my sister Christy's kids, also known as "the cousins." We ate so many wonderful meals and shared more than a handful of memorable moments.

This weekend was a chance to remember how beautiful my sisters are, how much I love them both and how much our shared history has knit us together. I think I had forgotten how powerful the word SISTER is.

It's Max's Back Wednesday Again

2011-06-22T14:54:00.000-05:00

It is Wednesday, the day I ask for good thoughts, prayers, straightening vibes, and any mojo you might have to spare for Max.

If you're wondering why, the rest of the story is here.

Dreaming the June Full Moon with Max

2011-06-15T16:33:00.000-05:00

I always create my dreamboards alone. Even if Frank and Max are hanging out in the living room, I create them in this cocoon of personal space around the dining table.

Max mentioned making a dreamboard back when we first began making our plans for the summer, and yesterday he joined me at the table and made his very first full moon dreamboard.

It was a very different experience to do the creating together and I really enjoyed the energy we bounced off of each other as we brought our boards together.

Here's mine.

If you'd like to check out Max's handiwork, you can see it here.

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-06-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

Hey! It is Max's Back Wednesday again. Send us some love in any format you are comfortable with.

If you're wondering why, the rest of the story is here.

Stay tuned for our Full Moon Dreamboards later today...

Things from Today

2011-06-12T19:39:00.000-05:00

Please notice how close Max is to being as tall as me.

Being here to applaud Max's video game accomplishment.
My sister's birthday.
A huge swath of reading time this afternoon.
Getting closer to finishing this sock.
Planning my end of summer retreat.
Brainstorming summer salad ideas.

Another Max's Back Wednesday

2011-06-08T14:51:00.000-05:00

Whisper a prayer into the breeze. Telegraph a good thought through the clouds. Visualize Max's spine growing straight and true.

If you're wondering why, the rest of the story is here.

Random Thoughts

2011-06-07T16:36:00.000-05:00

*We are easing into our summer schedule over here.

*During the summer, Monday night is movie night. Last night we watched Holes and it was really very good.

*When the weather gets really hot I have no desire to cook at all.

*On a related note, I am so ready for a haircut.

*I finished Atonement this weekend and it totally wrecked me.

Max's Back Wednesday

2011-06-01T16:13:00.000-05:00

Here is a reminder to send up a prayer, light a candle, or just send some general good in Max's direction.

If you're wondering why, the rest of the story is here.

Summertime

2011-05-31T14:11:00.000-05:00

Max has two more days of school. I'm trying to get my mind around the idea that two days from now I will be the parent of a fifth grader and I'm thinking about summer.

Last year I abandoned the lure of setting up summer writing projects and decided to play it free and loose for the summer months. Last year's non-plan worked so well, I'm doing it again.

I have writing I can pick up and put down when I want to. I'm planning my second annual end of summer retreat. There is work at hand if I have the time and inclination to do it.

Max & I have challenged each other to fill up a moleskine by summer's end. There will trips to the museum and people watching. We will haunt the library. There will also be long mornings of video games and Pokemon trivia. There will be lunches on the porch and walks around the block. We will watch movies and run together at the Y. Most importantly there will be time to hang out together and play, to get creative outside of the confines of the school-day schedule.

I can hardly wait.

Max's Back

2011-05-25T13:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday on Facebook, I confessed how difficult it is for me to ask for help or support. A part of this is wanting to put a pretty face on things. I definitely blog more about the ups than the downs. Maybe I am more willing to ask today because I'm asking on Max's behalf and not my own? Maybe this will stretch my "asking for help" muscles so that the next time I need help for myself, asking will be easier.

Here's the story. Two years ago, Max's pediatrician noticed what looked to her like a slight curve in his spine. She made a note in his chart and said we would keep an eye on it. I promptly forgot about it.

This year, she notice the curve again and whipped out ( I kid you not) her iPhone and used an app to measure the degree of curve. It was 9% which is in the normal range but high enough that she referred us to a pediatric orthopedic surgeon who has been keeping an eye on Max's back.

We saw him earlier in the year and he could not see any curve at all on Max's x-rays but could see with his eyes a curve of about 9%. Yesterday, he could see a 15% curve on the x-ray. We are still in wait and see mode and will go back in four months to see how things look.

Max is growing so fast these days. I am certain, way down deep in my being, that he can grow the curve out of his spine. It happens all the time.

So here's the part where I ask for help. I am asking all of you to pray, light a candle, hold Max in the light, send good thoughts, whatever you believe will help. I'll take whatever you've got. I know the universe doesn't care what form the positive energy comes in, just as I believe wholeheartedly in the power of positive energy to heal and create change. We have four months before his next exam. Surely that's long enough for the power of good to make a difference?

And if this makes me sound like a nutcase to you, well, this is my boy we're talking about. What mother would not be willing to try everything to help her child?

Here's what I'm praying: Bless Max's spine. Let it grow straight and true.

I'm going to post a reminder every Wednesday for the next four months. I can already feel your support as I'm typing this, so thanks in advance for your care and concern.

Bloom

2011-05-17T12:50:00.000-05:00

Confession

2011-05-12T13:24:00.000-05:00

I am a deeply superstitious person.

I am convinced deep down in my gut that being prepared for something bad to happen can effectively ward off potential disaster. (This conviction is not particularly useful when it comes to interpersonal relationships, but that's another story altogether.) So, this morning when the local NPR station interrupted Diane Rehm with a tornado warning a couple of counties over, I sprang into action.

I put on my sneakers. (You do not want to be without your shoes in a tornado.) I unplugged the computer and the Wii. I plugged iPods and my cell phone into chargers. I put my purse, Max's Nintendo DS case and a big bottle of water in the hallway which is our interior, window-less space. I found the lantern, batteries, candles and matches.

I called Frank at work to fret about Max, who is on a field trip! To the Alamo! Surely the Alamo is not a safe place during severe weather?! It is old! The walls are so delicate you are not allowed to touch them! And what about the school bus? A school bus is certainly not safe...

Frank, who deserves all the credit in the world for being the most consistently sane person in our family, talked me down off my terrible tornado-at-the-Alamo-ledge and after several moments of quizzing him about his own tornado-at-work plan, I let him go back to work.

And all my tornado mojo totally paid off. The sky grew dark as night and took on that crazy tornado-gray-greenish color. The rain pounded and the wind blew, but there was no tornado.

You're welcome.

The Story of Catty

2011-05-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time a beautiful siamese cat wandered onto our front porch and meowed that insistent, snarky, siamese meow through our screen door. The cat was beautiful but scrawny.



The cat had Max wrapped around her dainty little paw in a matter of moments.

We have been discussing pets and the possibility of getting a dog since Albert died. (Raise your hand if you remember Albert the Amazing Hamster.) We cannot have a cat. Max and I are both allergic and I swore a no litter box oath years ago.

But Max pleaded and I agreed to buy one small bag of cat food.



We started calling her Catty.



She has since put on some weight and now comes meowing across the yard when Max gets home from school. (She also showed up with a flea collar on for a couple of days, so we think she has an owner, maybe someone on our block.)



So even if we can't have a cat, we get to have a cat.

April Full Moon Dreamboard

2011-04-18T08:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes a dreamboard sort of magically comes together, my subconscious does all the heavy-lifting and I breeze through the process. Other times, like yesterday, it is more of a slog, where nothing seems to fit together.

I think this month is about being brave, being strong and doing the hard work, the heart-breaking work that's ahead of me.

Max

2011-04-16T07:08:00.000-05:00

I Went for a Walk

2011-04-12T20:11:00.000-05:00

There are lots of things I should be doing and I am not doing any of them. I have a menu planning knot to unravel for tomorrow night. I have an Easter Feast to plan. I have 36 pages of Northanger Abbey to finish before book group tomorrow night. I have to change out of this ratty t-shirt for a meeting at the school later this morning. There are breakfast dishes to be done and clothes wrinkling in the dryer. I could take out the garbage and the compost. I could water the front yard or the back yard for that matter. I could be knitting.

I just don't want to do any of these things.

I feel restless, jazzed up and weary at the same time. I need a vacation or a phone call or a reboot.

The only thing that works when I feel this way is to walk. Walk until my head clears and my spirit settles down.

I'm going for a walk.

I wrote this jittery post this morning and just had to come back here and add - the walk soothed and settled me down and I would up having a pretty incredible day. Behold the power of walking.

TEDxSanAntonio

2011-04-07T12:45:00.001-05:00

Last year, I got really excited about TEDxSanAntonio. I read every page of the web site. I googled the organizers. I circled the date on the calendar. I told Frank and Max I wanted to attend. Then I opened the application and suddenly my head was full of every possible gremlin shouting, "Who do you think you are?"

I didn't apply. The deadline slipped past.

On the day of the conference, I watched some of the presenters via the live feed from my studio. I may have cried a little at my lack of courage, for not even applying to attend. I promised myself this year would be different.

This is my ticket to the kickoff gathering for TEDxSanAntonio 2011. One way or another, I'm going to be there!

We Did Some Yard Work This Weekend

2011-04-05T12:05:00.000-05:00

Yo-Yo Ma and The Silk Road Ensemble

2011-04-01T11:14:00.000-05:00

We got in late last night and I got to bed even later. This morning I am that kind of groggy that has me walking into furniture and standing in front of the fridge forgetting why I am even in the kitchen.

The Silk Road Ensemble was stunning last night. Max was thoroughly enchanted. (He did a much better job of sitting and listening intently than a lot of the adults around us.) The program leaned heavily toward world music, much of it Middle Eastern and Asian and a couple of the pieces required what I like to call "muscular listening."

Max & Frank both have this ability to listen to music almost mathematically. I am more of a three-chord-songs-I-wish-I-had-written-myself kind of girl but the music last night was so beautiful and moving, I had no problem despite being a bit out of my wheelhouse.

Last night reminded me that I want to do more of this, more downtown after dark, more live music.

And yes, Karen, I wore something pretty.

Seeing Max

2011-03-30T13:50:00.000-05:00

Last night was the school district's Strings Festival, the concert Max has been looking forward to all year. The 4th and 5th graders from both elementary schools play and then they play along with the jr. high and high school orchestras for the grand finale, Beethoven's Ode to Joy. It was jubilant! I bet there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

The Municipal Auditorium is large and it was a little hard to see Max from where we were sitting. But at one point, while the high school orchestra was playing, Max leaned forward and rested his forehead against the neck of his cello and I could see him perfectly. He was listening intently. The look on his face was a combination of joy and fierce concentration.

Tomorrow night we see Yo-Yo Ma and The Silk Road Ensemble. I can hardly wait.

Tell Me the Story

2011-03-25T20:23:00.000-05:00

When we went to see the new allergist this week, I reminded Frank to just give him the facts. Don't launch into a long discursive story (as Frank is wont to do). The allergist just wants data.

In contrast, I am loving The Fellowship of the Ring. It is our current bedtime reading. In Tolkien, after the facts have been passed on, someone (be it elf, dwarf, or hobbit) invariably says, now tell us the story.

Sisters

2011-03-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

I am preparing for a little trip to Ft. Worth to see both of my sisters. We have not (correct me if I'm wrong, Boots) all been in the same place for over seventeen years. The last time we stood side by side was at my wedding.

The thing about sisters is that all that time and water under the proverbial bridge doesn't mean a thing. Our history, our shared experience, is like a silver chord running through all three of our lives. It is always always there. All we have to do is reach and pick it up.

Here I Am

2011-03-22T13:33:00.004-05:00

I am avoiding writing.

I am avoiding writing because there are things going on that I do not want to write about. It involves the story I never wanted to tell, the story that lies so far behind me I often convince myself that I've outrun it.

Even Max noticed and mentioned at breakfast that I don't seem to be doing much writing.

And then this morning, this from Mary Oliver's book, Dream Work.

You don’t want to hear the story
of my life, and anyway
I don’t want to tell it, I want to listen

to the enormous waterfalls of the sun.

And anyway it’s the same old story - - -
a few people just trying,
one way or another,
to survive.

Mostly, I want to be kind.
And nobody, of course, is kind,
or mean,
for a simple reason.

And nobody gets out of it, having to
swim through the fires to stay in
this world.

So, I'm still here, walking around with a pen in my hand, avoiding paper.

Full Moon Dreamboard

2011-03-19T16:07:00.006-05:00

Every once in a while I put together a dreamboard that completely baffles me. As I'm pulling the images together, I try not to think too much. Today, I chose the images and words, felt my intuition working in the choices and then I stood back and said, huh?

Completely baffled by this one.

So tell me, what do you see?

Friday

2011-03-18T16:24:00.002-05:00

I lost yesterday to a migraine. We did things, went to the bookstore and hung out a lot but the whole day was colored by the headache.

I am never so grateful as I am the morning after a migraine when I wake up pain-free.

We spent a good deal of the morning taking photos downtown for Max's architecture project. We played cards and sat on the porch and read.

This afternoon, I sat in the backyard with Max as he cried in frustration because Frank is having another allergic reaction and we are not sure what he's reacting to, (a different kind of yogurt?) and Max is just exhausted from the up and downs of this whole process.

We've declared a moratorium, no talking about skin rashes or food allergies for the next 48 hours.

Wednesday List

2011-03-16T19:50:00.003-05:00

Tonight I tried a new gluten free recipe that everyone liked!
Caught Max doing Parkour in the grocery store (where they were playing a David Bowie song).
Wandered around Mission San Jose on a perfect sunny afternoon.
Watching Glee last night I am happily thrilled at how far pop culture has come in depicting happy, healthy gay relationships.
I have not done a bit of gardening or yard work so far during Spring Break.
I'm almost finished with the cuff of this sock I'm knitting for Frank.

Tuesday Morning

2011-03-15T16:28:00.004-05:00

We drove to Austin today and the sky put on quite a show.

Monday Morning

2011-03-14T17:29:00.002-05:00

Max got a new hammock for Spring Break.

Sunday Late Afternoon

2011-03-13T16:54:00.006-05:00

The Opposite of Crafty

2011-03-12T17:01:00.004-06:00

I am not at all crafty, but I kind of like the way these coasters turned out.

Spring Break

2011-03-11T16:37:00.000-06:00

Our Spring Break begins today.

Living in the Future

2011-03-10T12:14:00.005-06:00

Two completely unrelated but totally amazing things:

Max is using an emulator to play Pokemon Red on our computer - a GameBoy game that was released five years before he was born.

When Max was born, we were given the option of "banking" his umbilical cord blood or donating it. The argument for banking is that if he got leukemia or some other cancer, these antibody-rich, mixed just for him blood cells would be available. I am a superstitious woman and this seemed to me, at the hormone-drenched time, to be tempting fate. If we put those "what if he gets a life-threatening disease" vibes out there, what would that mean? We donated it instead. Yesterday we got a call from the hospital where Max was born (Hello, Gainesville, Florida!) and Max's chord blood has been matched to a pediatric leukemia patient. The decision we made over ten years ago may help save the life of another child.

As Wil so often says, "I love living in the future!"

Lent

2011-03-09T08:33:00.005-06:00

So, Zoot has taken on an inspiring project for Lent (Go read her post here. I'll wait.) and I think I'm going to do something for Lent here on the blog.

The traditional approach to Lent is to give something up or take on a new discipline for the 40 days before Easter. I'm hoping to breathe a little life into my writing discipline (that includes blogging here) which has withered on the vine lately as what I'm going to call my domestic responsibilities have expanded to gobble up every ounce of my free time.

I have been a bit of a dervish intent on whirling and spinning, convinced that constant motion was the only way to keep the ship afloat. Of course, the ship is floating along just fine whether I spin or not.

So, I'm going to stop spinning for Lent and post a little something here for the next 40 days, some words or a photograph, maybe a poem. I'm going to use this space to remind myself to stop the dervish act and sit the hell down for a little while.

You should join me. I'll make tea.

List

2011-03-02T13:18:00.004-06:00

I have been sick. I'm hoping this round of antibiotics will make me feel better.

There are techs in my garage installing a new central air unit and it sounds like they are about to drill through the wall.

I may or may not have super glued my finger to my fingernail this morning.

Frank is seeing a new allergist tomorrow. (I have every intention of throwing myself at his feet and begging him to help us.)

I have all but abandoned my studio. A few week back I moved my laptop out to a shelf in the dining room and I have never moved it back. My desk is now littered with piles of papers and gluten free cookbooks. Boxes are stacked in the corner. There will have to be some major de-cluttering before I get back in there. The very thought of that makes me tired.

More than anything else, I want to go to yoga class on Friday morning.

In the past four months, I inadvertently lost 15 pounds. I kid you not, menopausal metabolism and all. I blame it on the spectre of Frank's unidentified food allergy hovering over me in the kitchen every day.

How have you been?

Dreaming the Full Snow Moon

2011-02-18T19:34:00.004-06:00

Funny to be dreaming under the Snow Moon when the weather has been definitely Spring-like this week. This is certainly reflected in my dream board which is full of sun and color.

I think this is the first time I have used a photo of a person on a board. This woman, looking out, feet firmly on the ground has been languishing in my pile of images for months.

Take Two

2011-02-17T10:57:00.002-06:00

So I wrote this post saying that we had figured something out, that it looks like Frank is allergic to wheat gluten and scoured our lives for possible gluten culprits and we had two gluten-free meals where we all three ate the same food for the first time in months and months and now it appears that Frank is reacting to something else. Tomatoes, maybe? Could he be allergic to tomatoes?

This is an excruciatingly frustrating one step forward, two steps back process and I am dangling here at the end of my rope.

Update

2011-02-15T16:07:00.003-06:00

A this point in our food allergy journey, we know that Frank is not (breathing a sigh of relief) allergic to dairy. He doesn't tolerate milk very well but cheese, butter, yogurt and ice cream (ice cream!) are all back on the table.

We do believe he is allergic to wheat gluten, which is in everything from soy sauce to his multivitamin. (This is a food allergy which is different from celiac disease, but I tell you, I am eternally grateful to the celiac sufferers who have done such thorough research into gluten and how to avoid it.)

I am reading Shauna Ahern like a banshee, but if you'd like to point me in the direction of any other websites or books, I'd be happy to check them out.

Thanks for the support, friends.

Valentines

2011-02-13T16:24:00.003-06:00

As part of our Valentine's Day tradition, we made valentines for each other.

Dear Universe

2011-02-07T09:23:00.002-06:00

Dear Universe,

I have had enough of Winter, thank you very much. I am now ready for Spring.

Sincerely,

Laura

Dreaming the January Full Moon

2011-01-19T15:42:00.005-06:00

During the run up to this month's full moon I was certain I would not have time to make a dreamboard. I put the wish away, completely forgot it until this morning.

This month has been filled with a string of spirit crushing projects. The universe pointing out time and time again that I am not in control.

It has been a month of a hundred things that did not work.

It has been a month of testing and trying and failing, failing, failing.

Yet here I am, every morning, making a list, coming up with a plan, trying again.

So, I stopped in the middle of the morning - set everything aside for a moment and gave my deeply frazzled self a chance to dream.

I am dreaming of light, of order and simplicity. I am dreaming of solitude, of stillness and calm.

"It is what it is."

2011-01-16T09:50:00.005-06:00

So you write something like this and the universe gets this gleam in her eye and begins to throw things at you. Frank gets a staph infection. A plague of bugs. Day and days of rain and gloom. A weird smell in the laundry hamper. Frank's infection gets better and then reappears on a holiday weekend. And I am completely overwhelmed. Unglued.

Only I'm not. Well maybe I am a little bit. I can feel that dervish spin just below the surface but I'm trying to resist. I'm doing what I can, where I am, with what I have. I'm writing this instead of stomping through the house frantically gathering laundry. I'm knitting the toe of Max's new sock. I'm breathing, breathing breathing. I'm baking bread.

I'm letting go of what I thought this day would look like and accepting what is. (My sister would say, "It is what it is.") This is all I can do today and it will have to be enough.

Progress

2011-01-06T16:49:00.003-06:00

We are slowly (painfully & slowly) making progress figuring out Frank's food allergies. This is the inevitable dance of food allergies where it is a step or two forward then a step back. We are trying to hit a constantly moving target. Some days are great and everything feels good and normal and then he suffers a setback and we are in emergency mode all over again.

(The literature on adult food allergies suggest that this trial and error is the most accurate way to find out which foods you are reacting to. Skin test are notoriously unreliable and the blood tests currently in use aren't much better.)

We have a small list of foods we consider safe, mostly fresh fruits and vegetables, brown rice. The difficult thing is to try something new, to willing add something to the mix that might make Frank miserable. We all hold our breath.

Last night on Facebook I admitted the allergies were kicking my ass and then like a beacon in the fog, I heard from several people with suggestions and ideas and encouragement. It is, I propose, what social networks are best at: that quick, heart-warming offer of aid and information.

Today was a better day. My ass feels a bit less kicked. So thank you, friends of mine, for your care and concern and advice. You made my day today.

Tiny Shift

2011-01-04T13:55:00.006-06:00

One of the things I figured out over the last few weeks is just how much choice I have in how I feel. It came as sort of a revelation to me that I have a choice when it comes to how I respond, not only to other people but to problems and circumstances. I don't have to simply react.

It was stunning for me to realize that I don't have to face everything from a health issue to a flat tire to a forgotten hoodie with the emotional equivalent of a tsunami.

In fact when faced with almost anything my default response is suffering, as in, Oh no! This thing, this terrible thing that I now must deal with!

The terrible thing will still have to be dealt with, no doubt, but I do not have to suffer as a consequence. In fact, I've been thinking this little phrase to myself a least a couple of times a day: you do not have to choose suffering.

This tiny shift has radically changed the way I approach almost everything.

These Days

2011-01-02T17:37:00.001-06:00

Max, on the move, slightly out of focus

Brand New Year

2011-01-01T16:21:00.005-06:00

I'd like to say that this day, this first day of a brand new year, began suddenly different, that I went for a run as I intended, that all the laundry was washed and dried and folded and put away, that I consumed only locally grown organic vegetables, that I did not once get frustrated with Max or with Frank, that I did not spend too much time reading blogs or loitering on the Facebook street corner, that I wrote three crisp new morning pages in my journal or that I transferred all the important dates into this year's calendar but you know, I didn't do any of that. I did, in fact, a whole lot of what I usually do.

I cooked black eyed peas for good luck. I had a long conversation with Frank about our unfolding food allergy plan (more on this later). I left a message for my sister. I called my mother to say happy new year. I took a rambling walk with Frank and Max. I wrote for a bit. I picked up my knitting twice but got distracted both times. I washed and dried a load of laundry that is at this moment wrinkling in the dryer. I baked bread. I washed the dishes. I read and you know, it was a pretty nice way to start a brand new year.

And a Happy New Year

2010-12-31T16:11:00.005-06:00

Austin sunset

I missed posting yesterday. We drove to Austin for a visit with dear friends and they invited us to stay for dinner and we did. We sat and talked and laughed while Max played with his very best friend and it was a perfect way to ring out 2010.

Somehow, the end of this year has gifted me with a lovely sense of calm and well-being. I think it bodes well for the year to come.

Instead of resolutions this year, I am thinking about what I want more of in my life and what I want less of. I want more nights like last night. I want more peace. I want to trust in this calm center no matter what storms blow in.

I want less stress and perhaps, less internet.

What do you want more of in the coming year? What do you want less of?

Gifts

2010-12-29T15:57:00.005-06:00

I received some wonderful, thoughtful gifts this holiday. Here is one of my favorites, my new kitchen timer.

My old timer died several months ago. (Frank would argue that the old timer still works - it just doesn't make any sound when your time is up. This is fine, if you are looking at the display when the time is up, but not much help when you are down the hall folding towels.)

I've been using my iPod touch as a timer but I live in constant fear of sloshing something on it and ruining it and then I would never run again because running without listening to R.E.M. or Rhett Miller is just no fun at all.

I love my new kitchen timer. Thanks, Santa!

Ten

2010-12-28T16:55:00.004-06:00

We celebrated Max's tenth birthday yesterday with presents and a magical chocolate cake.

It was a landmark, the double-digit birthday and Max approached it with his unique combination of bravado and a tender heart. It helped that his grandmother was here to celebrate with us.

Sane Holiday

2010-12-27T07:54:00.003-06:00

One of the things I figured out this year about keeping my cool and not spiraling out of control was this: keep it simple, especially in the kitchen.

I come from the land of a thousand holiday side dishes. In the past, I have spent almost all of christmas day in the kitchen. By the time dinner was on the table I would be frazzled, resentful and exhausted.

This year I kept the meal very simple, meat, potatoes, veg, rolls, dessert, wine. When Max said he really wanted refrigerated crescent rolls, I said sure, no holiday bread baking for me! I made both desserts the afternoon before.

So on christmas day I got to play and skateboard with Max and knit with my mom. When we sat down to dinner, I felt happy and grateful.

My new holiday rule: don't martyr yourself in the kitchen.

Skater Boy

2010-12-26T16:49:00.002-06:00

I May Have

2010-12-25T21:11:00.002-06:00

I may have just experienced the sanest, most peaceful holiday of my entire adult life but I'm too tired to tell you about it tonight. Come back tomorrow.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T17:27:00.001-06:00

We are christmasing like crazy over here and this may be the only chance I have to wish you a wonderful, peaceful holiday.

Merry Christmas, my friends.

In the Spirit

2010-12-23T20:41:00.003-06:00

Some notes from today:

Turns out if you are patient and kind sales people really appreciate it.

The guy in line in front of me who asked a lot of questions about the beer I was buying was kind of flirting with me.

Max tried flan at dinner tonight.

Soccer balls can and will break windows.

I cry at all the wrong moments during How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

"pinned to the now

by the soft roar of what I love"

The list of movies I need to add to my netflix queue is now more than a page long.

A Santa gift was lost and then miraculously found at my sister's house.

Right now, at this very minute, I can hear Max rocking in the rocking chair while he reads a book we raced to the library to pick up before they closed at 6pm.

I may be beginning to believe in magic again.

Things I'm Grateful For

2010-12-22T18:19:00.003-06:00

Having my mother here for the holidays
Getting in and out of the pediatrician's office in record time this morning
Two doses of antibiotic and Max is already feeling better
Lunch with my cousin's daughter (is she my great-cousin?) and her beautiful little boys
My niece, Lauren, is okay
My funky little family

The Kindness of Strangers

2010-12-21T17:27:00.002-06:00

Dear Every Single Person Who Was Kind and Patient and Helpful to my Mother Today as She Flew from Portland to San Diego to San Antonio:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Laura

This is the Day or Holiday Lament

2010-12-20T16:13:00.004-06:00

This is the day I lost it.

This is the day when I suffered through everything with a clenched heart.

This is the day when I stormed and slammed.

This is the day when there were tears all day long, just behind my eyes.

This is the day of the lump in the throat.

This is the day of the stiff jaw, the fake-out smile.

This is the day of tremble, of frustration, and I am done.

I will do what I can, where I am, with what I have and I will do it with a glad heart and next year, I swear to you, I will do things differently.

totally unrelated photo of Max that I just happen to love - he's fierce

Sunday

2010-12-19T19:47:00.005-06:00

Max has a cold so our day consisted of a little bit of this

a little bit of that

and one more holiday tradition.

2010-12-18T17:14:00.001-06:00

One of our holiday traditions is making these no-bake haystack cookies.

Perfectly Imperfect

2010-12-17T16:07:00.005-06:00

Max was a bit of a perfectionist when he was smaller. He needed things to be just so, or he'd get frustrated and angry. He has, I believe, overcome a good deal of his need for things to be perfect. He's a sloppier, messier and happier child. So when his gingerbread man arrived on his desk at the christmas party with its leg broken off, Max just rolled with it.

Max's Gingerbread Man of Imperfection

Adventures in Shopping

2010-12-16T19:01:00.010-06:00

My contribution to Max's class holiday party was to be 9 toys, something small in the $1-2 range, bingo prizes for the boys in the class. Someone else was assigned the "girl toys."

I decided, after a little discussion with Max, to go to the "party store" and pick up some bouncy balls for the boys. So, as I pulled into the store parking lot today, I was musing about what color bouncy balls and what size balls I would get. I didn't even notice that mine was the only car in the lot. It was early, I thought, the store had just opened.

It wasn't until I was standing directly in front of the door that I noticed, the store was gone. The building was totally empty. I just stood there with my hand on the door, looking through the windows in disbelief. My heart started to beat a little faster as I read the smallish sign announcing that they'd be happy to meet my party needs at the store located way the hell out in loopland with the freeway and the traffic and the 30 minutes to get out there and 30 minutes back.

I panicked a little. I may have actually stomped my foot.

Trudging back to the car I remembered that the last time we were in the big box toy store (for a Lego event) they had a dollar toy area near the front of the store. It was just a few blocks away. Surely I could find something there.

So, I was off to the big box toy store and as you might imagine the dollar toy area was completely picked over. Lots of empty bins and there were two items they had nine of, pink beaded bracelets and plastic handcuffs.

I seriously considered the handcuffs.

After a fruitless trip to the back of the store in search of bouncy balls, (I was so enamored of the bouncy ball idea - it was hard to give it up) I literally stumbled upon the perfect thing. A small plastic travel game similar to Connect Four. There were exactly nine of them on the shelf. I bought them all.

The lesson here, I guess, is don't get too attached to your original idea or you might miss the perfect thing right in front of you, or always have a stash of bouncy balls just in case, or only volunteer to bring cookies.

This Day

2010-12-15T20:28:00.002-06:00

This day just got away from me. But that's not really unusual - it happens all the time, for a lot of different reasons.

What is unusual is the reason this day slipped through my fingers so quickly and here it is: I had a amazing brainstorm of a poem idea today and I spent every spare moment here at my desk, fleshing it out.

It is a great idea, a run around the house with my hair on fire kind of idea and I'm going to go work on it right now.

My Day

2010-12-14T15:48:00.005-06:00

I spent most of this day dealing with unpleasantness, stressful, jaw-clenching stuff, I did not want to deal with. Still, it had to be done and with a really tight jaw and a lot of deep breathing, I got through it all.

I tried to remember that I was lucky to have the resources to be able to deal with this problem. That what I had to slog through this morning did not have to define my day, but it did for the most part.

When the dust settled, all I could think was, my day! My beautiful day, gone! I am almost convinced I would have written the best poem of my life, the break-through poem, if only I could have spent this morning at my desk like I planned.

I would love to tell you how I managed to turn things around. All I know is this: I kept breathing - a lot of slow deep breaths. I remembered to eat lunch and drink tall glasses of water. I washed my face and picked up Max from school and listened intently to every single thing that was good about his day.

I just kept moving forward, doing the things that needed to be done and eventually, I was sitting at the table knitting while Max was doing his homework, and I felt the last of this morning's unpleasantness lift from my shoulders and fly away.

My day, my beautiful day.